Lothlórien

Looking Forward

I have been somewhat "out of commission" as far as this blog goes. I have been SUPER busy with school and an internship, which leaves me very little time to write on the blog or read what others are writing. Please know that I still think of you guys often, and hope that things are well with most of you.

Despite the fact that I have had very little time, I have been thinking of things to write about when that time comes. This summer I am only taking one class, so I am hoping to have time to write about a few things during that time.

I would like to write about what integration means to me and speak about my own process of integration. I think integration means something different for each of us, and each of us has our own definition of what constitutes healing for us. I also took a class on treating trauma and dissociation this year, and I would like to share some interesting facts I got from that training. I still plan to pick and choose writings from my personal journal to post. Many of my writings really capture what it is like to live with DID, and many of them have real "ah-ha" moments for me, so I think they are worthy of sharing.

I have been doing some reading on attachment, and there is so much to be said on that topic, I could write a years worth of posts probably. Never underestimate the trauma of disordered attachment in childhood! I can only speak for myself, but to date the most difficult issues I have had to face in my own therapy have been connected to the disordered attachment.....the lack of a secure base, the lack of reflection/adequate mirroring, etc. If you haven't read the book in the side bar of my blog about the emotionally absent mother, I highly recommend it, however you will want to read it VERY, VERY slowly and perhaps with the guidance of your therapist. It really explains the significance of attachment well, and it has journaling for the reader at the end of each section. Tough stuff, I'm telling you, but very revealing. For me it also helped put my life in an understandable context, and really helped solidify a narrative for my life experience.

That is all for now. I have 2 weeks left of school, then I go to Disney with my family, and when I get back, I hope to write more.

Take care,

Lothlorien

**PS----Remember this written in a post a couple of months ago?

Speaking of which, I had a huge epiphany today after therapy. For as long as I can remember, I have besically lived from day to day, even during the good times. It's like each morning I think to myself, "What can I do to get through the day?", and at each days end I am thinking, "I made it through another day." I was thinking of that this week, so I discussed it in session. I feel like it is such a struggle for me just to get through life. Even during good times, it takes all my strength to "be ok." I hate this! I feel so inferior to the norm. I also commented that I feel so tired all the time and that I wish I could just let go. There is so much more to living than making it through the day. I want to be able to just let go and live! 

Well, something that came to mind is that I take Wellbutrin once a day (not the extended release version because I can't sleep), and I realized that it really only lasts about 4-6 hours. This matched with my "petering out" around mid day and just struggling through the rest of the day good times and bad. Long story short, I talked to my p'doc about it, added another dose midday, and the problem is resolved! :)

Copyright © 2012 by Lothlorien– All Rights Reserved

Typical Day of Therapy

Typical day of therapy these days:

Wake up, get kids off to school, have good breakfast for energy and strength.

Go to therapy, process trauma (talk, cry, feel partial flooding, regulate my own emotions to keep in the "window", cry, process, feel, things get better, I regulate fine, return to "normal", talk some more...)

Leave therapy, go straight home, fall asleep for like 2-3 hours from shear exhaustion. Wake up refreshed. Recall therapy session. Trauma feels definitely in the past again. Somewhat heavy hearted from all that was processed. Rather pensive.

Go on about my day. Run errands, go to class, what have you. All the while experiencing mental "clicks" like Legos snapping in place. Connections being made, insight occurring, new questions emerging, deeper thought, lots more "making sense", things are still processing.

Home, dinner, family recreation, etc, bedtime. A big sigh for the strength of the day.

Copyright © 2012 by Lothlorien– All Rights Reserved

Posted from my iPad

Therapy Epiphany

It has been a long time since I have written about how I am doing. Winter quarter was busy this year because I started my field practicum where I work 2 full time days in an agency. Between that and schoolwork, I hardly had time to write.

Briefly, field practicum went very well. As I mentioned before in an earlier post, I was working for an agency that provides mental health services and support to children and families. The agency provides mental health clinicians for a special school in the district that services children with severe emotional/behavioral disorder. I worked in this area for many years as a teacher doing pretty much the same exact thing, so next quarter I will be moving on to another agency to get experience in an area that I am not familiar with already. I will be working in an agency that provides mental health services for adults with severe and persistent mental illness (schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, and major depression). I'm a little nervous because I work very well with children, but I have not really worked with adults before. I start there next week.

In therapy, there has been a realization that the DID is still lingering around. I had thought that it was becoming a thing of the past and that I had integrated, but apparently not. I had a session a few weeks ago where my therapist told me things I had said and done in session that I did not recall and absolutely did not fit with my character. I honestly didn't believe her, but it was in her notes. The short version of the story is that instead of having "little" alters out and around, I had my best ANP (reference to "apparently normal part" re: structural dissociation) out in full force. Not having "littles" around had me convinced the DID was gone, but it was not.  Having this confident "all is ok" part out caused me great problems. This part was acting as if all is fine, and my therapist suggested we drop to sessions every two weeks. I could not understand this, and she said that I basically have been coming into sessions talking about normal stuff and not seeming to have any problems at all. When I would think back, I wouldn't remember what she described at all, but I wouldn't say anything either. I would just sit there perplexed as to why she thinks I'm doing so well. The jist......it was this ANP. So a few weeks ago when it was CLEAR I was not recalling sesisons and that there has obviously been a huge switch going on, we changed my sessions back to weekly. It was a very difficult time for me. Thinking I was "done" just to be high on ANP...... Since then I have been trying to keep things more balanced. I need this part, but I also need my emotional self because one part ignores the other, and I end up not getting my needs met. I have my T, family, and friends willing to help me, and I can't receive that help if I can't ask for it, tell someone what I'm feeling, and be present with it.

Speaking of which, I had a huge epiphany today after therapy. For as long as I can remember, I have besically lived from day to day, even during the good times. It's like each morning I think to myself, "What can I do to get through the day?", and at each days end I am thinking, "I made it through another day." I was thinking of that this week, so I discussed it in session. I feel like it is such a struggle for me just to get through life. Even during good times, it takes all my strength to "be ok." I hate this! I feel so inferior to the norm. I also commented that I feel so tired all the time and that I wish I could just let go. There is so much more to living than making it through the day. I want to be able to just let go and live! So, anyway......I left therapy and on the ride home I had this huge epiphany. When I got home, I had to write my T. Here is a copy of that email.

A thought/image came to mind in regards to "I made it through another day," and,"I'm always holding on. I wish I could just 'let go'." I thought of the poem Footprints, and realized part of the reason I feel this way is that I am always carrying myself. Even as a little kid, my mom could not "carry" me, therefore I carried myself. No wonder I get tired. Then I began to think of/imagine letting someone else "carry" me for just awhile.....metaphorically "hold me", and though there was a dreamy wish for that it was quickly replaced by a strong sence of distrust...the fear of being metaphorically  dropped. Even in session, how nice it would be to feel that moments, thoughts, fears, etc could be momentarily "held" with the two of us, but still, I hold on. Fear of letting go. Fear of being metaphorically dropped. The point.....I can work on this. :) Won't be easy, but I can work on this, and perhaps I may not feel so tired all the time. Perhaps I might feel more like I'm living than just hanging on. Perhaps there will be less focus on "making it through the day."

I just had to put those thoughts ut there before I "lost" them.

(Later this evening.....)

Ooo! Ooo! Sudden epiphany number 2! If I can "hold" myself, then I could "catch" myself should I metaphorically fall.

Ah-ha!!!!!

Hmmmm......
Lots to think about!

(no need to reply) :)

She did reply. She is so sweet. To the first one, she commented that it was quite an epiphany and thanked me for sharing it. To the second one, she just wrote, "Smiling.....". :) I love my T, and my huge epiphany is helping me feel pretty good right now. :)

Copyright© 2012 by Lothlorien– All Rights Reserved

Personal Journal Entry (June 19, 2009)

**Epiphany!

Why I fear conflict with my parents…..
Why it hurts me when they are upset, angry, etc. with me…..
Why I can’t just let it be their stuff like I can with others……
Why I just can’t let their words blow through me…
Why I can’t seem to let it go….

Because I internalize the things they say. When they say hurtful things to me, I internalize it and my self worth suffers.

Now, how to not do that. I think this could be a good job for some of the system to help me with. I need lots of positive self talk. It may help if I can internally follow up their negativity with positive self talk/affirmations. I need my own internal cheering squad. 

Copyright© 2012 by Lothlorien– All Rights Reserved

Personal Journal Entry (April 4, 2009)

**Family Issues

My mother is here, but she just left to head back south. That has been a whole other can of worms. She has said things to my husband while I was gone that are indicative that all of this with me is a bunch of bullshit and I am very hurt by that. Maybe that is what is triggering these memories in the night because that is the first thing I tried to tell my mom that happened to me as a kid and she flat out denied I could’ve been aware of it. It wasn’t until I was around 21 that she believed me and even then she minimized the effect it could’ve had on me.

My sister knows about the DID. She has told my mother who thinks this is all a bunch of crock. My sister thinks it’s a bunch of crock. My sister apparently told her psychiatrist, who used to be my psychiatrist when I lived there, and he said that it was a bunch of crock, and so my family is now convinced I am seeing a whacked out therapist who is messing me up and this whole DID stuff is a bunch of bull.

Two things about my psychiatrist back “home”. One, I only saw him for about 15-30 minutes once every month at first but quickly dropped to 15 minutes every 6 months. Two, his wife is a therapist and he is very medical minded and many times told me and my sister that he thinks therapy is a bunch of BS. So……consider the source.

My mother said to my husband that I was fine when I was living down south, and she just doesn’t understand why things are so different. I wanted so bad to tell her they are not different at all. I am just done “faking it”. I can no longer pretend that all is ok, and I wouldn’t want to. She has no idea how much I have struggled my whole life. NONE!!!! Granted I kept most of it to myself. It wasn’t emotionally safe at my house not too.

The point…..my family liked it better when I was pretending. They wish I could just keep doing it. They are resistant and defensive to any sign that things are not ok. Fuck them!!

My father called while I was gone several times. He said he and his wife are renting a house at the beach this summer and want us to go on vacation with them for a week. I have not talked to him, but I said emphatically no. My mom asked my husband, “Does she not want to go to the beach with her father because of his drinking??” She doesn’t get it.

Of course I don’t tell her either. But I don’t tell her because she would push it away. She would deny that it happened I think because to admit it happened (in her mind) is to admit failure on her part to protect me.

I have just been submerged in the lies….buried in the fantasy that all was well in our family, and what’s wrong with me now that I am all “whack”?

I try very hard to accept my mother. I try very hard to forge a relationship with her. I get upset with her when things are like this. I am ok when she is not harping on my stuff. I try to be very dialectical. I get it that she has her own trauma history and that it influences how she reacts to me. I can identify with her on some levels, yet she hurts me so incredibly much that often times I just want to cut her out and never talk with her. I want to be not “black and white” on this, but I am tired of being “pushed to the side”, minimized on, invalidated, unsupported, and generally not loved.

I am in the dog house with my family because I am not “OK”………

(more…………….)

FYI……My mother’s solution to all my problems:

• Go back to work full time. I was fine when I was working and I’d make more money. Everyone else can do it. What’s wrong with me that I can’t?

• Move back to the south with my “family”. Yea……get me away from all these “bad influences” here in the Midwest, and back to Dysfunction Junction where they can “deprogram” me.

• Financial advice…….sell both our cars, get one cheap car, afterall we only really need 1 car.  (Who’s she kidding????) Let’s also not forget that our cars are almost paid for and in this economy, my soon-to-be-paid-off car is the best I could have at only 50,000 miles on it. Buy a cheap car and we’d pay for repairs…….dumb solution. And like we could get by on one car when my husband works an hour away. When God handed out brains, was she not in line?? Maybe she was in a dissociative fugue state.

• Stop taking all these medications because they are what is screwing me up. I was “fine” on just one pill (Zoloft) before. Why is that not ok now????

• Just stop it. Just quit.

• Stop going to the hospital. Those places are bad, mess you up, and why would you ever go all the way to Texas???? (Bitch)

My sister talked to me and as we were talking about what led up to the hospitalization (thoughts and feelings of suicide) she was like, “Well, I understand. Sometimes I just get tired and want to just quit, but I don’t want to die.” I said, “V**, I’m telling you……..I wanted to die.” She doesn’t believe me. They all just think I’m just sad and have no reason to be sad and what the fuck is wrong with me???????

My mother has left but the whole time she was here, she stood in judgment of me. She judged me negatively for having to go to the hospital. She judged me negatively for being “ill”. She judged me negatively for the financial shape we are in. Not only does she judge me negatively, she is very black and white, so it is basically, if all is good with me, I have no complaints, and act as if I am functioning well, she speaks positively about me. Otherwise, she swings the other way, and I’m a world class failure, shit, messed up freak. Gee…..I wonder why I would wear the mask of “all is fine”. I wonder why it is so hard for me to be real……Duh!

I so wanted to lay it all on her because I was so pissed off at the way I have been treated, but it would only effect me negatively. She would say it is all BS, and what she couldn’t deny she would say is “old news”/”water under the bridge” and why can’t I just leave what’s in the past alone, afterall, “SHE DOES”……LOL, yea….right. NOT!! She would tell me I’m better off if I just suck it up and fake it because she does not care how I really am. She only cares how I appear.

**Names omitted or altered

Copyright© 2012 by Lothlorien– All Rights Reserved

Working in the Field

Last week I started actually working in the field of Social Work as an Intern. I am working for an agency that provides assessment, intervention, and support to children with mental health issues and their families. The agency has a number of ways it does this. There are outreach programs, case workers that come to the families' homes to help connect them to needed services, there is outpatient care, a residential care program, an on-site preschool for early intervention, an on-site therapeutic school for grades K-5, an after school program, social work services provided to a local school that specializes in education for children with serious emotional disorders, and there are even in-home intensive treatment options. To say the agency is inclusive is an understatement!

I have been placed in a school that is off site which provides specialized education for children throughout the county that have severe emotional disorders. The school is run by the school district, but the social workers are contracted out through our agency. I work with a social worker there providing support to the students and teachers, providing counseling for the children, facilitating and co-facilitating group therapy with the kids, helping with crisis management, and helping to provide extra training to the staff on issues of mental health and children. 

I absolutely LOVE it! I have actually done this work before. I have many years experience teaching in this type of setting, and I loved every minute of it! It is nice to be placed in an area I feel comfortable and confident in, and one that is near and dear to my heart. I enjoy being on the social work side of things, too.  I actually like that better than being the teacher.

I am also signed up for an extensive training that is being offered through another agency on Trauma and Dissociation (assessment, treatment, children, and adults). I am very excited about that! It starts this Friday and runs one Friday a months for a few months.

I am only taking one class this quarter in addition to my field placement. I hardly have any classes left, so this one was the only one I had left offered this quarter. It is kind of a dull course (Social Work Macro Practice), but the instructor makes it very interesting and doesn't teach the text. She uses real life issues, class discussion etc, so she makes it interesting.

Other than that, not a whole lot is going on with me. I have been teaching my oldest daughter to drive. It has been really fun actually. She is doing well. We had a very nice holiday. Not sure if I mentioned it or not, but I have dropped to one session every 2 weeks in my therapy, and that has been ok. Sometimes I wish I was still going weekly, mostly just for a "pick me up", like a car running out of gas, but I manage quite well, and most times I am glad I only have to go once every two weeks because I am so busy, and I get tired.

Thinking of you all, and hoping that 2012 brings you peace and joy!

Lothlorien

Copyright© 2012 by Lothlorien– All Rights Reserved

Personal Journal Entry (Apr. 1, 2008)

**This was actually an email to my therapist. I am posting it because it depicts well the experience of being "pushed" by alters. It shows in a good way the struggle to be "the self." I do not experience this in the same way anymore. Not at all. I do, however, still find myself rehashing the negative self messages, the over critical statements, and the push towards perfection that I experienced at nauseum growing up. Thankfully the tapes do not run frequently anymore, and I cantypically now recognize them for the crap they are and discard them.

T,

Somebody is being very controlling………
Somebody doesn’t want us to eat…….
Somebody threatens us inside…..
Somebody says, “Don’t do it!” very sternly…….
Somebody is trying to make us walk a fine line…..
Somebody says we’re not good enough……..
Somebody says, “Try harder.”
Somebody smacks us inside…..
Somebody says we’re not ok…….
Somebody says we’re stupid….
Somebody says she is angry…….
Somebody says we’re ugly and fat……
Somebody will not stop bothering us……
Somebody keeps pushing and pushing and pushing……
Somebody is mean……..
Somebody scares the little ones inside…..
Somebody scares me………..

________________________________________________

**This similar one is from another day following a therapy session.

T,

Somebody dressed us today……..
Somebody wouldn’t let us address anything today……
Somebody thinks if we would just drop the whole idea of resolving our past and quit harping on it, we’d be fine…..
Somebody wasted our session away with talk of partying, music, and movies……..
Somebody pushed away all your attempts to get beyond the superficial……..
Somebody thinks we have become fat beyond belief……..
Somebody is utterly disgusted with us………
Somebody doesn’t want us to eat……..
Somebody feels like she’s in the wrong fatso body……….
Somebody wants to just peel off the layers, so she can come out……..
Somebody is very angry………..
Somebody feels smothered……….
Somebody wants a rebirth……….
Somebody wants to shed it all………
Somebody wants to shed it and stomp on it……….
Somebody wants to scream as loud as she can!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Somebody…………..

Somebody………………wants to cry…………

____________________________________

** Re: The "fatso" body I refer to, for about 10 years I was very much overweight compared to my usual weight. Part of this was the aftermath of having 4 kids back-to-back, and another part was do to the various psychotropic medications I had to try over the course of about 2 years to try and get my depression stabilized. I felt like I was playing "Medication Roulette". Once I found a good medication, I actually lost 20 pounds quite quickly. Effexor was a huge weight magnet for me, and getting off that melted a lot of the excess off. A few months later, I switched from drinking regular Coke to diet Coke and lost 20 more pounds. I am proud to say that now I am back to a very healthy 5'2" 130 pounds, and I feel great! My therapist says it is not just the med change and the switch to diet cokes. She claims it often happens when people begin to feel better about themselves and their bodies. Perhaps it was a combination of physical factors and psychological ones. It doesn't really matter. All that matters is that now I feel much better physically and emotionally. :)

Lothlorien

Copyright© 2011 by Lothlorien– All Rights Reserved

Personal Journal Entry (Dec. 7, 2007)

**This journal entry from long ago is actually an email I sent to my therapist on that day. I ended up copying and pasting it into my journal. It tells a lot of what it is like battling DID and its effects.

T*,

I spent so much of yesterday convincing myself, “I’m ok.” I spent the whole day acting “as if” hoping “as if” would turn into reality. In the end, I did nothing but switch switch switch. And people that I know asked, “So how are you?”, “Are you ok?”, and I said, “I’m fine. Really. I’m fine.” Trying hard to convince them and also convince myself. When you switch switch switch switch………….you never have to be real. You never have to face things. But it’s all a facade……It’s all smoke and mirrors………..isn’t it? I’m really not ok. I just want to think that I am. I want other people to think that I am. I’m running. I’m afraid. Remember in The Wizard of Oz when the Wicked Witch of the West first appears, and then she leaves?? There’s a puff of smoke and fire…….then she’s gone. I get scared………by the slightest thing. Poof! I throw up my smoke and disappear. Gone, gone, gone, gone. I can’t seem to face anything. When I see how much in reality I do this……..exactly what simple little things trigger me to pull up my smoke and mirrors, it scares me. My whole life is just a chain reaction of this. I’m so afraid inside. Afraid of people, afraid of looking at someone face to face, afraid of looking at myself, afraid of using my real voice. I even throw up my smoke and mirrors when I speak into the little thingy at restaurant drive thrus. I’m so afraid. I hide all day. I even hide behind this stupid computer and text. I’m trapped inside. I’m just switching masks and hats all day. I’m just a facade. I don’t even know where the real me is anymore…………….

Please help me to be real. I don’t want to “run” anymore. I can’t believe I’m saying this………..don’t let me throw up my smoke and mirrors. If I can’t be real between you and me, how can I do it anywhere else? How will I ever get better? I need someone that holds me accountable and doesn’t “buy it” doesn’t let me just “run away”. I feel safe with you. I trust you. I trust you to “call my bluff”.

“In case of emergency, break glass.”

Please…….

Break the glass…………………………………..

~Lothlorien

T* = Therapist

______________________________________

I am SO glad I am no longer in that place! It was AWFUL!!!! I feel much more "real" now. I do not feel stuck behind some glass, or in some stone fortress. For me, the most healing "break" of the glass I experienced was with EMDR. EMDR somehow got through the glass and allowed all my feelings to come forward and spew out. Yes, it was painful to have all those feelings come forward, but it felt oh so good to cry! I wanted it to keep going and going. It was like I was purging myself of toxins, and truth be told, I am sure I was. I wanted to shoot my tears straight across my therapist's room and have them splatter on the wall. This sounds gross, but it was a lot like throwing up. You know you feel awful, you know you're going to be sick and you don't want to, so you do everything you can think of to ward it off. Then when it happens there's this toss up of it feels bad while at the same time feeling good. It's weird.......Very hard to explain.

Lothlorien

Copyright© 2011 by Lothlorien– All Rights Reserved

Personal Journal Entry (Oct. 23, 2007)

I feel like a fake.
People at work think things are so “peachy keen” with us.
We have a double life.
It gets hard.
So hard to keep up.
They have no idea the tightrope I walk.
The insecurity I feel.
DID—-”Masters of Deception”.
We can look “oh so good” on the outside and be crumbling to bits on the inside.

really we’re dodging fear…
today has not been the best,
but we faked it well……
want so bad to have a “soft place to fall”
D* is out of town
But even when he’s here, he’s not that soft place to fall
because if things are not ok with me….
if I’m sad or upset, or scared, or whatever,
he can’t handle it…
he stresses,
he worries,
that’s not a “soft place to fall”
And I’m so “in charge” here…..
You know….the mom’s role…
I am manager of everything.

It’s hard work.
I’m tired.
I want to cry, but I don’t dare.
I’m trying so hard to “stay up”.
I’m afraid if I let go the control I have,
the “faking it” I am managing
I’ll “lose it”.
Have to keep pushing it back
and pushing it back.
It’s so hard.

Lothlorien

*D=My husband

____________________________________

I absolutely do not feel like I'm "faking" anymore. Things are going well for me know, genuinely. However, when they are not, I have no problem saying so. I also have no shame for what I have been through. There is no shame in having a trauma history, and there is no shame in having difficulty dealing with that trauma history or the effects of that history. All the shame belongs rightly on those that inflicted the trauma. It is THEIR shame; not mine! It took me a long time to "get that", but when I got it, I got it! If someone chooses to treat me shamefully in response to my trauma, well, that's their problem and their lack of understanding, and by no means relevant to my experience and my "self".

As for the "soft place to fall" in my relationship with my spouse, it is still a work in progress. My husband has his own trauma history and his own issues to deal with. He is in therapy and working on them. There have been improvements, but he is still at the beginning stages of his journey, and I respect that. I had four years of therapy in the '90's and then have had more the past 4 years, so it's just different. I can say it is hard to be at the tail end of my therapy journey and watch him in the beginning of his. I feel for him because I know how much is ahead of him, but he can do it. We can do it.

Lothlorien

Copyright© 2011 by Lothlorien– All Rights Reserved

Personal Journal Entry (Nov. 18, 2007)

Again, I found a personal journal entry I would like to share. This one is actually an email I sent to my therapist. Keep in mind this was written 4 years ago from the date of this post. Honestly, I still feel this way about her all this time later. She has been great, and I love her dearly.

~Lothlorien

_____________

I trust you.
I trust you so much.
I trust you more than I’ve ever trusted anybody.
I trust that you care.
I trust that you know what you’re doing.
I trust that you won’t ever leave me.
I trust that you are strong enough to support me when I need it.
I trust that you will care for me in times of distress……..
You will not let me fall too far, too fast.
I trust that I can tell you things…..
things that are scary and true,
and embarassing and frightening,
and weird and seemingly silly,
and you will not think bad thoughts about us….
you will not think we are a freak.
I trust that you believe in me.
That you see all that I am,
and all that I can be,
even when I cannot.
I trust that I can cry,
and laugh,,
I can be happy,
sad,
and angry…….
I can be me.
I can be all of me,
and you will not leave.
You will still be there
supporting me and caring.
I trust you so so much……..
I have shared feelings with you
that I’ve never shared with anyone else.
I’ve never before expressed fear.
I’ve never before said, “I’m scared……
I’m afraid……….”
Not to anybody but you……….
And you are there,
and you care, and you stay by me all the time.
You were there for me so much when you didn’t even have to be.
You never left me.
You care so much we think……
And I trust.

……………….so why does this scare me??????? just a little bit…………

Copyright© 2011 by Lothlorien– All Rights Reserved