*Originally posted on my former blog (2009)
What does it mean to survive?? In its
most basic definition, to survive is “to remain or continue in existence or
use; to get along or remain healthy, happy, and unaffected in spite of some
occurrence; to endure or live through (an affliction, adversity, misery, etc.)”
**
So what makes a person a survivor?
First and foremost we are survivors when we have lived through a traumatic
event. If there is a traumatic event that has happened to you in your past, and
you are still here to tell about it, you have survived because you have
continued to exist. It is common for abuse survivors to would’ve, could’ve,
should’ve themselves to death over the event (myself included—pot not
calling the kettle black here), but the reality is that had we “played our
cards” any differently, we may not have survived or survived as intact as we
are now. We can never judge ourselves now for what we did or didn’t do in the
moment of trauma because the truth is that we followed our instincts, weighed
out the possible consequences in the moment, and made the best choices we could
at the time given the circumstances. Again, we survived, and did so the best
way we could in the moment.
So what about after that?? What
continues to make us survivors? This is where the definition changes a bit and
gets into the ability to “get along or remain healthy, happy, and unaffected in
spite of some occurrence.” That one is harder. We are affected by
trauma. Trauma affects our spirit long after the event has passed. There is no
doubting that. However, what we choose to do with that is our choice.
The traumatic event was not our choice. If it was, we would’ve avoided
it, right? But it wasn’t. However, what we do with ourselves inside afterwards,
and what we choose to do with our life beyond trauma is our choice.
We are survivors when we are not
content with allowing a traumatic event to continue to hurt our spirit. We are
survivors when we choose to process the event, deal with the emotions of the
event, and attempt to move beyond it. We are survivors when we attempt to face
our fears. We are survivors when we challenge our faulty thinking (ex. all men
want is sex; I deserved it; it was my fault). We are survivors when we continue
our quest for resolution and wholeness despite those around us who may attempt
to discourage us. We are survivors when we begin to believe we deserve
better. We are survivors when we begin to trust in our own reality, instincts,
and perceptions. We are survivors when we can acknowledge an event was
traumatic, that it is something that happened to us and is not who
we are. We are survivors when we choose not to allow our past to continue to
hurt us in the present.
We are survivors when we are at any
point in this process. Some people may just now be thinking that they want out
of these negative feelings and considering entering therapy. Others have
already chosen to work through their trauma with a therapist and have been
working at it for some time. There are also those who have “come out the other
end” and found that resolution. Regardless of where you are in that process, if
you have survived a traumatic event, and you are on the path to healing, you
are continuing to survive.
I am going to close this post with
one of my favorite passages from the book Invisible Girls: The Truth About
Sexual Abuse by Dr. Patti Feuereisen (pg. 50)
“The fact is, your abuser tried to
map your life for you. But he does not own you, and you have the freedom and
the power to overcome and transcend the associations. You deserve to be happy,
to be free of any feelings of shame or guilt or fear. You have the right to a
completely satisfying sexual life. You are a righteous young woman. If you can
get in touch with the feelings and consciously change the awful associations,
you can re-map your life.”
*I bolded the last words myself.
That passage gives me strength. I hope it does for you too.
References
Feuereisen, Patti. (2005) Invisible
Girls: The Truth About Sexual Abuse: A Book for Teen Girls, Young Women, and
Everyone Who Cares About Them. Seal Press: Emeryville, CA
** Taken from http://dictionary.reference.com
Copyright©
2010 by Lothlorien – All Rights Reserved
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