Lothlórien

Personal Journal Entry (Apr. 1, 2008)

**This was actually an email to my therapist. I am posting it because it depicts well the experience of being "pushed" by alters. It shows in a good way the struggle to be "the self." I do not experience this in the same way anymore. Not at all. I do, however, still find myself rehashing the negative self messages, the over critical statements, and the push towards perfection that I experienced at nauseum growing up. Thankfully the tapes do not run frequently anymore, and I cantypically now recognize them for the crap they are and discard them.

T,

Somebody is being very controlling………
Somebody doesn’t want us to eat…….
Somebody threatens us inside…..
Somebody says, “Don’t do it!” very sternly…….
Somebody is trying to make us walk a fine line…..
Somebody says we’re not good enough……..
Somebody says, “Try harder.”
Somebody smacks us inside…..
Somebody says we’re not ok…….
Somebody says we’re stupid….
Somebody says she is angry…….
Somebody says we’re ugly and fat……
Somebody will not stop bothering us……
Somebody keeps pushing and pushing and pushing……
Somebody is mean……..
Somebody scares the little ones inside…..
Somebody scares me………..

________________________________________________

**This similar one is from another day following a therapy session.

T,

Somebody dressed us today……..
Somebody wouldn’t let us address anything today……
Somebody thinks if we would just drop the whole idea of resolving our past and quit harping on it, we’d be fine…..
Somebody wasted our session away with talk of partying, music, and movies……..
Somebody pushed away all your attempts to get beyond the superficial……..
Somebody thinks we have become fat beyond belief……..
Somebody is utterly disgusted with us………
Somebody doesn’t want us to eat……..
Somebody feels like she’s in the wrong fatso body……….
Somebody wants to just peel off the layers, so she can come out……..
Somebody is very angry………..
Somebody feels smothered……….
Somebody wants a rebirth……….
Somebody wants to shed it all………
Somebody wants to shed it and stomp on it……….
Somebody wants to scream as loud as she can!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Somebody…………..

Somebody………………wants to cry…………

____________________________________

** Re: The "fatso" body I refer to, for about 10 years I was very much overweight compared to my usual weight. Part of this was the aftermath of having 4 kids back-to-back, and another part was do to the various psychotropic medications I had to try over the course of about 2 years to try and get my depression stabilized. I felt like I was playing "Medication Roulette". Once I found a good medication, I actually lost 20 pounds quite quickly. Effexor was a huge weight magnet for me, and getting off that melted a lot of the excess off. A few months later, I switched from drinking regular Coke to diet Coke and lost 20 more pounds. I am proud to say that now I am back to a very healthy 5'2" 130 pounds, and I feel great! My therapist says it is not just the med change and the switch to diet cokes. She claims it often happens when people begin to feel better about themselves and their bodies. Perhaps it was a combination of physical factors and psychological ones. It doesn't really matter. All that matters is that now I feel much better physically and emotionally. :)

Lothlorien

Copyright© 2011 by Lothlorien– All Rights Reserved

Personal Journal Entry (Dec. 7, 2007)

**This journal entry from long ago is actually an email I sent to my therapist on that day. I ended up copying and pasting it into my journal. It tells a lot of what it is like battling DID and its effects.

T*,

I spent so much of yesterday convincing myself, “I’m ok.” I spent the whole day acting “as if” hoping “as if” would turn into reality. In the end, I did nothing but switch switch switch. And people that I know asked, “So how are you?”, “Are you ok?”, and I said, “I’m fine. Really. I’m fine.” Trying hard to convince them and also convince myself. When you switch switch switch switch………….you never have to be real. You never have to face things. But it’s all a facade……It’s all smoke and mirrors………..isn’t it? I’m really not ok. I just want to think that I am. I want other people to think that I am. I’m running. I’m afraid. Remember in The Wizard of Oz when the Wicked Witch of the West first appears, and then she leaves?? There’s a puff of smoke and fire…….then she’s gone. I get scared………by the slightest thing. Poof! I throw up my smoke and disappear. Gone, gone, gone, gone. I can’t seem to face anything. When I see how much in reality I do this……..exactly what simple little things trigger me to pull up my smoke and mirrors, it scares me. My whole life is just a chain reaction of this. I’m so afraid inside. Afraid of people, afraid of looking at someone face to face, afraid of looking at myself, afraid of using my real voice. I even throw up my smoke and mirrors when I speak into the little thingy at restaurant drive thrus. I’m so afraid. I hide all day. I even hide behind this stupid computer and text. I’m trapped inside. I’m just switching masks and hats all day. I’m just a facade. I don’t even know where the real me is anymore…………….

Please help me to be real. I don’t want to “run” anymore. I can’t believe I’m saying this………..don’t let me throw up my smoke and mirrors. If I can’t be real between you and me, how can I do it anywhere else? How will I ever get better? I need someone that holds me accountable and doesn’t “buy it” doesn’t let me just “run away”. I feel safe with you. I trust you. I trust you to “call my bluff”.

“In case of emergency, break glass.”

Please…….

Break the glass…………………………………..

~Lothlorien

T* = Therapist

______________________________________

I am SO glad I am no longer in that place! It was AWFUL!!!! I feel much more "real" now. I do not feel stuck behind some glass, or in some stone fortress. For me, the most healing "break" of the glass I experienced was with EMDR. EMDR somehow got through the glass and allowed all my feelings to come forward and spew out. Yes, it was painful to have all those feelings come forward, but it felt oh so good to cry! I wanted it to keep going and going. It was like I was purging myself of toxins, and truth be told, I am sure I was. I wanted to shoot my tears straight across my therapist's room and have them splatter on the wall. This sounds gross, but it was a lot like throwing up. You know you feel awful, you know you're going to be sick and you don't want to, so you do everything you can think of to ward it off. Then when it happens there's this toss up of it feels bad while at the same time feeling good. It's weird.......Very hard to explain.

Lothlorien

Copyright© 2011 by Lothlorien– All Rights Reserved

Personal Journal Entry (Oct. 23, 2007)

I feel like a fake.
People at work think things are so “peachy keen” with us.
We have a double life.
It gets hard.
So hard to keep up.
They have no idea the tightrope I walk.
The insecurity I feel.
DID—-”Masters of Deception”.
We can look “oh so good” on the outside and be crumbling to bits on the inside.

really we’re dodging fear…
today has not been the best,
but we faked it well……
want so bad to have a “soft place to fall”
D* is out of town
But even when he’s here, he’s not that soft place to fall
because if things are not ok with me….
if I’m sad or upset, or scared, or whatever,
he can’t handle it…
he stresses,
he worries,
that’s not a “soft place to fall”
And I’m so “in charge” here…..
You know….the mom’s role…
I am manager of everything.

It’s hard work.
I’m tired.
I want to cry, but I don’t dare.
I’m trying so hard to “stay up”.
I’m afraid if I let go the control I have,
the “faking it” I am managing
I’ll “lose it”.
Have to keep pushing it back
and pushing it back.
It’s so hard.

Lothlorien

*D=My husband

____________________________________

I absolutely do not feel like I'm "faking" anymore. Things are going well for me know, genuinely. However, when they are not, I have no problem saying so. I also have no shame for what I have been through. There is no shame in having a trauma history, and there is no shame in having difficulty dealing with that trauma history or the effects of that history. All the shame belongs rightly on those that inflicted the trauma. It is THEIR shame; not mine! It took me a long time to "get that", but when I got it, I got it! If someone chooses to treat me shamefully in response to my trauma, well, that's their problem and their lack of understanding, and by no means relevant to my experience and my "self".

As for the "soft place to fall" in my relationship with my spouse, it is still a work in progress. My husband has his own trauma history and his own issues to deal with. He is in therapy and working on them. There have been improvements, but he is still at the beginning stages of his journey, and I respect that. I had four years of therapy in the '90's and then have had more the past 4 years, so it's just different. I can say it is hard to be at the tail end of my therapy journey and watch him in the beginning of his. I feel for him because I know how much is ahead of him, but he can do it. We can do it.

Lothlorien

Copyright© 2011 by Lothlorien– All Rights Reserved

Personal Journal Entry (Nov. 18, 2007)

Again, I found a personal journal entry I would like to share. This one is actually an email I sent to my therapist. Keep in mind this was written 4 years ago from the date of this post. Honestly, I still feel this way about her all this time later. She has been great, and I love her dearly.

~Lothlorien

_____________

I trust you.
I trust you so much.
I trust you more than I’ve ever trusted anybody.
I trust that you care.
I trust that you know what you’re doing.
I trust that you won’t ever leave me.
I trust that you are strong enough to support me when I need it.
I trust that you will care for me in times of distress……..
You will not let me fall too far, too fast.
I trust that I can tell you things…..
things that are scary and true,
and embarassing and frightening,
and weird and seemingly silly,
and you will not think bad thoughts about us….
you will not think we are a freak.
I trust that you believe in me.
That you see all that I am,
and all that I can be,
even when I cannot.
I trust that I can cry,
and laugh,,
I can be happy,
sad,
and angry…….
I can be me.
I can be all of me,
and you will not leave.
You will still be there
supporting me and caring.
I trust you so so much……..
I have shared feelings with you
that I’ve never shared with anyone else.
I’ve never before expressed fear.
I’ve never before said, “I’m scared……
I’m afraid……….”
Not to anybody but you……….
And you are there,
and you care, and you stay by me all the time.
You were there for me so much when you didn’t even have to be.
You never left me.
You care so much we think……
And I trust.

……………….so why does this scare me??????? just a little bit…………

Copyright© 2011 by Lothlorien– All Rights Reserved