It has been a long time since I have written about how I am doing. Winter quarter was busy this year because I started my field practicum where I work 2 full time days in an agency. Between that and schoolwork, I hardly had time to write.
Briefly, field practicum went very well. As I mentioned before in an earlier post, I was working for an agency that provides mental health services and support to children and families. The agency provides mental health clinicians for a special school in the district that services children with severe emotional/behavioral disorder. I worked in this area for many years as a teacher doing pretty much the same exact thing, so next quarter I will be moving on to another agency to get experience in an area that I am not familiar with already. I will be working in an agency that provides mental health services for adults with severe and persistent mental illness (schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, and major depression). I'm a little nervous because I work very well with children, but I have not really worked with adults before. I start there next week.
In therapy, there has been a realization that the DID is still lingering around. I had thought that it was becoming a thing of the past and that I had integrated, but apparently not. I had a session a few weeks ago where my therapist told me things I had said and done in session that I did not recall and absolutely did not fit with my character. I honestly didn't believe her, but it was in her notes. The short version of the story is that instead of having "little" alters out and around, I had my best ANP (reference to "apparently normal part" re: structural dissociation) out in full force. Not having "littles" around had me convinced the DID was gone, but it was not. Having this confident "all is ok" part out caused me great problems. This part was acting as if all is fine, and my therapist suggested we drop to sessions every two weeks. I could not understand this, and she said that I basically have been coming into sessions talking about normal stuff and not seeming to have any problems at all. When I would think back, I wouldn't remember what she described at all, but I wouldn't say anything either. I would just sit there perplexed as to why she thinks I'm doing so well. The jist......it was this ANP. So a few weeks ago when it was CLEAR I was not recalling sesisons and that there has obviously been a huge switch going on, we changed my sessions back to weekly. It was a very difficult time for me. Thinking I was "done" just to be high on ANP...... Since then I have been trying to keep things more balanced. I need this part, but I also need my emotional self because one part ignores the other, and I end up not getting my needs met. I have my T, family, and friends willing to help me, and I can't receive that help if I can't ask for it, tell someone what I'm feeling, and be present with it.
Speaking of which, I had a huge epiphany today after therapy. For as long as I can remember, I have besically lived from day to day, even during the good times. It's like each morning I think to myself, "What can I do to get through the day?", and at each days end I am thinking, "I made it through another day." I was thinking of that this week, so I discussed it in session. I feel like it is such a struggle for me just to get through life. Even during good times, it takes all my strength to "be ok." I hate this! I feel so inferior to the norm. I also commented that I feel so tired all the time and that I wish I could just let go. There is so much more to living than making it through the day. I want to be able to just let go and live! So, anyway......I left therapy and on the ride home I had this huge epiphany. When I got home, I had to write my T. Here is a copy of that email.
A thought/image came to mind in regards to "I made it through another day," and,"I'm always holding on. I wish I could just 'let go'." I thought of the poem Footprints, and realized part of the reason I feel this way is that I am always carrying myself. Even as a little kid, my mom could not "carry" me, therefore I carried myself. No wonder I get tired. Then I began to think of/imagine letting someone else "carry" me for just awhile.....metaphorically "hold me", and though there was a dreamy wish for that it was quickly replaced by a strong sence of distrust...the fear of being metaphorically dropped. Even in session, how nice it would be to feel that moments, thoughts, fears, etc could be momentarily "held" with the two of us, but still, I hold on. Fear of letting go. Fear of being metaphorically dropped. The point.....I can work on this. :) Won't be easy, but I can work on this, and perhaps I may not feel so tired all the time. Perhaps I might feel more like I'm living than just hanging on. Perhaps there will be less focus on "making it through the day."
I just had to put those thoughts ut there before I "lost" them.
(Later this evening.....)
Ooo! Ooo! Sudden epiphany number 2! If I can "hold" myself, then I could "catch" myself should I metaphorically fall.
Ah-ha!!!!!
Hmmmm......
Lots to think about!
(no need to reply) :)
She did reply. She is so sweet. To the first one, she commented that it was quite an epiphany and thanked me for sharing it. To the second one, she just wrote, "Smiling.....". :) I love my T, and my huge epiphany is helping me feel pretty good right now. :)
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