*Originally posted on my former blog (2008)
Once again my therapist has had to attend
to needs of her own, and I am left to deal with my feelings in the area of
attachment. This time she is off to a conference. All good therapists
continuously seek to enhance their own level of education in the field in order
to better be able to support and guide their clients. I am glad that my
therapist keeps herself up-to-date on the latest research and methods. I am
also glad that she takes time for herself and goes on vacations. I imagine her
having fun at the beach, or on a cruise, or wherever she is, and it serves as a
reminder to my own self that we all need breaks. I would think, personally,
that for therapists (particularly those who deal primarily with trauma) it is
an absolute necessity. One would not last long dealing with trauma day after
day without time off, fun, and proper balance to best take care of the self.
Still……it is hard for me when she
leaves. I miss her. I miss her very much. I want her with me, near me.
She has grown to be such a comforting support for me, and it can be scary when
she is gone. Some parts of me worry that she will forget me, though I know that
it’s not true. Others are scared and feel frightened that we are not safe when
she’s not here…..remnants of past traumas in the absence of support people or
caregivers. When she goes places, we give her one of our tiniest stuffed
animals to take on her travels. In that way a part of us goes with her. In
turn, we “babysit” one of the stuffed animals that comfort us in her office,
and it is as if a part of her stays with us.
So it is at this time that I turn my
attention and curiosity towards the issue of attachment. What exactly are the
dynamics of attachment? What causes them to play out the way they do in my
relationship with my therapist? Afterall, I don’t feel this way about everyone.
What is it about attachment and the therapeutic relationship that makes these
separations so hard? I can tell you that according to my stats on this blog,
one of the top searches that visitors have used that linked them to this site
is “therapist on vacation.” That tells me that this is an issue for many. Many
of us struggle with our own attachment issues and the attachment we feel
towards our therapists. So……I have done some research!
First let me say it is not at all
unusual for a person to find themselves attached to their therapist. Afterall,
they provide comfort through their consistency, reliability, and the
unconditional positive
regard they show to their clients. They listen
attentively and are dedicated to helping us resolve our conflicts and live our
most fulfilling life. An emotional bond forms in the relationship when, as
clients, we feel valued and cared for by our therapist. Trust is developed as a
result of the therapist’s consistent availability and sensitivity. According to
attachment theory, these feelings of attachment emerge when a person (be it
spouse, friend, or therapist) is viewed as available, sensitive, and
supportive.
One thing that makes attachment in
the therapeutic relationship difficult is the very dynamics of the relationship
itself. Clients seek out therapists and contract with them for a service. The
relationship is professional in nature. However, the content revealed and
worked on in sessions is highly personal. That makes the relationship both
professional and personal at the same time. In no other area of our life do we
have to contend with this mixture. People that we know and have relationships
with outside of therapy are either personal or professional…not both. It is
also very different than what we are accustomed to in that most relationships
we have in our daily life are symmetrical, if they’re any good that is. That
means that there is equal give and take. I share, you share, I reveal, you
reveal. The relationship also usually carries similar emotional involvement for
both parties. This is not true of the therapeutic relationship. In therapy the
relationship is highly skewed one way. The client reveals all where the
therapist reveals very little if anything at all. The client processes deep
feelings, while the therapist attempts to maintain objectivity and keep the
boundaries for both parties in proper perspective.
It’s rather maddening if you ask me.
I have issues with my therapist that I don’t have with anyone else, and it
drives me insane. I want so much to be close to her for both security reasons
and just because, well, I’m attached and I have feelings for her because she
has been there for me in so many ways. When I am with her, I find myself trying
to scoot closer and closer and pushing the limits of how close I can physically
get. I want to sit beside her….right beside her…so I can feel her next to me. I
feel like a very little girl wanting to snuggle up. When I’m with my friends, I
don’t feel this way, and I absolutely
would never ever act that way. It’s
embarrassing. However something within the dynamics of the therapeutic
relationship provokes this response in me. It’s a rather regressive response.
Maybe it is another aspect of the skewed nature of the relationship. I need
her. I need her services and the care and support she provides. She is the
“helper” and I am the one being helped. That tips the relationship such that,
though I don’t personally consider her all knowing, perfect, flawless, or
otherwise unreal, I do look up to her and find myself following her like
a “mother duck.” I admire her because I see in her a sense of strength and
peace and contentment that I wish to have someday.
There is also the issue of
transference. Transference is when one person projects or brings into a relationship
the feelings associated with a previous relationship. I’m being bold here, but
I’m thinking that most of us do not enter therapy because we have or have had
wonderfully positive relationships. Therefore we tend to bring into the
therapeutic relationship negative transferences from relationships
that have
been conflictual in nature or otherwise unfulfilling. Thus we find ourselves
finding trust and attachment a scary thing, and we worry about such things as
abandonment whether it be temporary or permanent, intentional , circumstantial,
or accidental. My current fear that my therapist’s plane will crash on her way
to this conference is rooted in that fear of abandonment, fear of being “left
alone.” Separations become difficult because as we trust our therapist, we also
grow to depend on them, and if our previous relationships were not dependable,
this can be a scary feeling. It may be our first experience depending on
someone who may actually be dependable, and weary feelings would be
understandable. There are a lot of ways that transference impacts our
relationships in general, but personally I find that there is something about
this particular relationship that seems to amplify it. Maybe it’s that we are
working out our unresolved issues in that relationship. Maybe it’s that the
relationship parallels that of our early relationships with our primary
caregivers.
I researched attachment in general
and found that there does exist, at least in my mind, a parallel between early
attachment and the attachment experience that many of us experience with our
therapists.
According to Alan Sroufe (1995),
infants are unable to regulate their own emotions and arousal. They need help
from their parents. The infant learns how to regulate through the response and
interactions from his parents. How the parent regulates his/her own emotions
greatly influences how an infant ultimately learns to do the same. Research has
shown that there is a high correlation between a caregiver’s attachment status
and that of the child in relation to that caregiver. As a child grows and
becomes more able to express themselves they gradually learn to self-regulate.
There is sort of a “dance of intimacy” that occurs whereby the caregiver
effects the child, and the child reciprocally effects the caregiver. In this
way the two engage in “mutual regulations”, a term used by Edward Tronick
(1989).
Daniel Stern (1985) also describes
the concept of “attunement” whereby a parent or caregiver is sensitive to the
needs of the child by paying close attention to the verbal and nonverbal cues
the child displays. When a parent is attune to the needs of the child, is
empathetic, able to see things through the eyes of the child, and is
sensitively attempting to meet those needs a positive attachment occurs. This
process is mimicked in the therapeutic relationship through what Siegal (1991)
calls “contingent communication.” Contingent communication is when the client
sends verbal and nonverbal signals to the therapist, the therapist in turn
reads and interprets these signals correctly then mirrors them back to the
client creating a sense of being understood. In psychotherapy most of the
communication in sessions follows this pattern and thus fosters a therapeutic
alliance and often times an attachment of the client to the therapist. It is a
positive thing because as a client feels a deep sense of being understood it
contributes to positive feelings about close relationships which can then
effect the client’s ability to maintain close relationships outside of the therapeutic
relationship.
Bowlby (1969, 1973, 1980) describes
four features of attachment. One is proximity maintenance whereby one seeks to
be physically near or close to the attachment figure. Then there is separation
distress where one feels anxiety or stress in response to being away from the
attachment figure. Another is what he calls safe haven. That is when one can
separate from the attachment figure for increasing periods of time, but
retreats upon feelings of anxiety, stress, or perceived danger. In the end one
hopefully attains what he terms a safe base where free exploration out in the
world is possible while knowing in an abstract and dependable way that our
attachment figure is always still there for us.
He also describes 4 distinct stages
to the process of attachment. There is preattachment , attachment in the
making, clear-cut attachment, and goal corrected partnership. Attachment in the
making is emotional, clear-cut attachment adds the behaviors associated with
attachment such as wanting to be near, following, etc. Goal corrected
partnership involves cognition and is where the relationship with the
attachment figure becomes more reciprocal…..where both are equally in tune with
each other, and can share each other’s point of view.
I can definitely see a lot of these
things being played out in my relationship with my therapist. There was
definitely a time of preattachment. There was also a gradual movement towards
attachment where we began feeling more and more attached, and I would say we
are in that clear-cut attachment place right now where there is no doubt as
demonstrated by our comments and actions that we are definitely attached. There
are times when we can have that goal corrected partnership then lose it, then
have it then lose it according to our vulnerabilities. I also notice that I
have all those features of attachment. Yes, I desire to be physically in close
proximity to my therapist. Yes I have separation distress. I do consider her to
be a safe haven for me. She is like my “soft place to fall.” She assures me
that at some point we will reach that sense of the secure base where
separations become less distressful as we have an internalized sense of her
being there for us.
I would really love to hear your
comments on this topic if you are willing to share. So many of us go through
this in our process of healing, and so many of us judge ourselves harshly for
feeling these feelings of attachment. I think, after all the research I have
done on the issue, I am going to work consciously to not judge myself
negatively for these feelings as it is clear that they are quite natural. In
all honesty, we should be grateful that after all some of us have been through
in our life we still have the capacity for attachment. Attachment is a good
thing. Attachment is one person being able to rely upon and trust another.
Attachment brings closeness to a relationship. Attachment is the basis of true
love.
“You lived your life like a candle
in the wind, never knowing who to cling to when the rain set in.”
~ “Candle in the Wind” Elton John, Bernie Taupin
References
Bowlby, J. Attachment and Loss, Vol. 1: Attachment. New York: Basic
Books & Hogarth Press. 1969
Bowlby, J. Attachment and Loss,
Vol. 2: Separation: Anxiety and Anger. New York: Basic Books. 1973.
Bowlby, J. Attachment and Loss,
Vol. 3: Loss: Sadness and Depression. New York: Basic Books. 1980.
Bowlby, J. (1988) A Secrue Base:
Clinical Applications of Attachment Theory. London: Routledge.
Loft, Deborah (2000). In Session:
The Bond Between Women and Their Therapists. New York: Henry Holt and
Company, LLC.
Sonkin, Daniel Jay. “Attachment
Theory and Psychotherapy” published in The Therapist a publication of
the California Association of Marriage and Family Therapists. Jan/Feb. 2005.
Sroufe, L.A. (1995) Emotional
Development: The Organization of Emotional Life in the Early Years. New
York: Cambridge University Press.
Stern, Daniel (1985) The
Interpersonal World of the Infant. New York: Basic Books.
Tronick. E. (1989) ” Emotions and
Emotional Communication in Infants.” American Psychologist. 44.
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