Lothlórien

Personal Journal Entry (Nov. 30, 2007)

I was scrolling through some old entries in my personal journal, and I stumbled upon this one entry that touched me. Thought I would share it. I should let you know it could be triggering, and will most likely bring up some sort of emotions. I am posting it because it is very revealing of the survivor experience to me. Keep in mind this post is 4 years old, and I am very much healed at this point. Interesting looking back, and very grateful for my healing to date.

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Why is eye contact so hard for us?

People can hurt you. If you see them, and they see you, it hurts more. It hurts all the way to your soul. I feel it in my heart. I feel hurts. I feel fear. I feel deep deep deep sadness. I have a black hole in there. A real black hole in my soul and if you see me, I go sliding down it like a funnel. Don’t hurt me. Don’t say hurtful things. Don’t do hurtful things. Don’t hurt me.

Little kids, their eyes so wide……so wide with wonder. So open to see all the world has to offer. So bright and big those beautiful eyes of wonder and love are! When children look at the world that way, they open up their spirits to feel everything the world has to offer. They open everything in themselves with those wide eyes. So what if a child does that and gets stabbed through the heart with a sword? They do it and have someone reach into their body and steal their very soul? They get peircing harsh words thrown at them like darts? You know what……eventually that child learns that it hurts less when Mommy yells if we don’t look at her. It hurts less when she hits me if I don’t look. It hurts less when someone touches her………there……….if she just doesn’t look.

If you don’t look, you can block out the pain. If you don’t look, you can imagine this is not happening. If you don’t look, you can go away. If you don’t look, you never have to know it’s Daddy doing that…………………

If I see you, and you see me……….what do you see??? An ashen dirty little girl is what is there. A shameful little thing. She’s dirty and she does bad stuff. She’s spoiled and selfish. She is shamed and punished for her initiative. She lets people down. She is their only hope. She is everything they need. She brings them joy and “pleasure”. She’s the only one they say who can. She’s their “saving grace”. They “need” her. They “want” her. They show her off. “She’s a pretty little thing. She’s a doll.” She’s plastic and broken and cracked. A used and abused little broken little discarded little doll with scraggly hair and a broken heart. She’s been peed on and thrown in the dirt. And she’s stinky and yucky and she touches bad things. She’s just yucky yucky yucky. All over stupid dumb and yucky.

She’s scared…………..
She’s afraid……….
She doesn’t want you to see how scared…
and afraid……….
Show fear…….and you instantly become prey.
Push it back, go away. Don’t look at it, don’t feel it, don’t hear it, don’t nothing.

Go away, little girl, go away.

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That is so sad.......

Copyright© 2011 by Lothlorien– All Rights Reserved

Antidepressant Medication Hindering My Sexual Functioning

I am having some medication issues. To best explain it, you have to know some of my recent history with medications. I was on Zoloft for many, many years until it began losing its effectiveness when I resumed taking it after the birth of my 4th child. At first it helped "enough", but then some other things happened in my life which were stressful (encounter with an abuser, move to a new state, serious financial stress), and those things left me feeling like taking the Zoloft was akin to popping candy. Eventually I slipped right into a major depressive episode and landed in the hospital. At first, the hospital did not change my medication. They felt that I was just way over stretched and seriously lacking in sleep, which was true, so they added Trazodone, and the hope was if I could sleep, things would get better. While it was true that I was literally "looney" from lack of sleep, this did not solve the issue, and a couple of weeks later I was in the hospital again, this time at a trauma treatment program in Dallas (Timberlawn--The Colin Ross program). There the p'doc asked how long I had been on Zoloft, and when I said about 16 years, his mouth dropped. He explained to me that sometimes these medication lose their effectiveness. I had been very fortunate in my first experience with medication. The first one I tried, Zoloft, worked well and I experienced very few side effects. I was not so lucky the second time around.

The p'doc at Timberlawn put me on 10 mg of Lexapro instead. When I was first put on Lexapro, it helped and then I felt hypo-manic. I wasn't sure if it was really hypo-mania or just the subjective feeling of hypo-mania since I had by then grown accustomed to the depressed state. Or was I just so happy to be "high" instead of "low" was I now going whack? I found a new p'doc in my new home state, and based on my reaction to the Lexapro and her apparent lack of understanding about DID (based on her feedback), she thought it was a sign that I may have some bipolar issues going on. Nevermind the fact that NOBODY in my family has ever had such a thing. Anyway, she prescribed Seroquel. That was HORRID!!! I took it one time, and it knocked me out so completely I couldn't wake up in the morning. It was enough to anesthetize an ELEPHANT! I took it at night, over slept, and was so incappacitated I couldn't take my girls to school. My two elementary aged children at the time, actually got themselves up and dressed and walked to school (they normally walked, it's only 3 blocks away), but they did so with no help from me. I was aware they were up and going but I literally could not move. At the time I also had my youngest in preschool, and I couldn't take her obviously, and I had a daughter in middle school who had now missed her bus, and I was incapable of taking her either! I ended up sleeping until 1 pm that day, while my then 6th grader took care of the 3 year old! I was simultaneously feeling guilty and grateful. I never took that medication again, and I found a new p'doc.

The new p'doc put me back on the Lexapro. She was one who knew of trauma and dissociation, and she felt it was either me "bouncing back" or likely a system/alter issue. Things did settle, I no longer felt hypo manic at all (probaby was a DID issue) but then sexual side effects kicked in. We added Welbutrin XR to the mix, and it helped very little and made it so I couldn't sleep nights. We tried upping the Trazedone, but with Welbutrin XR, I could not sleep no matter what. We dropped the Welbutrin. What good is sex if I can't meet my basic need for sleep?

At the time, the depression was getting better but not all gone. I still felt very drained and tired all the time. I really felt like those commercials for antidepressants where the woman needs to be "wound up". So my p'doc decided to switch me to Effexor since it worked on Norepinephren and should help with the energy factor. That drug was about as bad as Seroquel for me. At first it didn't do much. She increased the dosage. Still, not much. She increased it again. She kept saying we just needed to get the norepeniphren level high enough. However, each time we raised the norepinephren level, it also raised the serotonin level, which totally ripped me to shreds. I constantly felt tired and run down. I had absolutely no energy what-so-ever. I felt like I had chronic fatigue syndrome. In addition to that, when I was still, lying in my bed, I would have these "shocks" and body twitches. I knew it was this medication, but I stuck with it because at least I wasn't feeling suicidal, etc. On top of that I gained an insane amount of weight. Somehow I didn't make the connection of the weight to the meds. I just thought it was the depression, lack of exercise, excessive sleeping, etc. I also had issues with clenching my teeth, etc. all of which I attributed to entirely too much serotonin. After awhile, though the meds drove me slap nuts! No matter what I said to this p'doc, she consistently wanted to stick with Effexor. Ever have a p'doc that seems partial to a particular medication, and they will do whatever they can to "make" that one work for you? That is what it felt like to  me. She absolutely would not take me off.

Shit hit the fan again, and I ended up in the hospital again. As before, I went to Timberlawn, and I basically begged them to take me off Effexor and please just give me a straight SSRI. They put me back on Lexapro. It was a huge relief. I now knew why I was so tired all the time on Effexor. As they were weaning me off the Effexor, I could feel tension draining from my facial nuscles. The medication had caused such incredible muscle tension, namely in my face, that it was causing the muscle twitches, the clenched teeth, and the sheer exhaustion. It was also clear I was on way too much serotonin, and the norepinephren was doing nothing beneficial for me. I also realized how much weight I had gained when I got off it because I quickly shed 20 pounds in a short time period after stopping Effexor through no effort on my part.

Since then, I gradually increased my Lexapro from 10-20 mg, and have been totally major depression free for over two years. However, the sexual side effects are unbelievable!!! I have another new p'doc, who is great! We added Welbutrin again, but this p'doc suggested the "regular" Welbutrin instead of the XR type, which means it is out of my system before bedtime. Huge difference! I could finally take it and sleep. Novel idea! The Wellbutrin didn't seem to help with the sexual side effects, but it did help give me an extra boost to my energy which has been super helpful, so I am still on it.

I stayed that way, sexual side effects and all, for the past couple of years because I finally found stability and so what if sex was dead? At least I had my sanity, right? I just couldn't go through "medication roulette" again.

However, I have been increasing frustrated with the fact that I seem to have to choose.......sanity or sex? It's so unfair. So lately we have begun trying to play with this. Being that it is the Lexapro (Serotonin) that is largely responsible, and given the fact that I am so much better all around, we decided to gradually reduce the Lexapro to see how low could I go, and keep my stability, and would that help with the side effects? We dropped to 15 mg, and it helped some. I recently dropped to 10 mg, and that coupled with the 100 mg of Welbutrin I take seems to be the magic number. Finally I can "feel" sex again.

Here's the thing though, lately I have felt much less grounded, a bit more dissociated (in a spacey way, not a DID way), and rather empty.

I don't know if this is from the drop in medication or something else. I do know that summertime is not the greatest for me, and I do tend to feel rather empty. As a teacher, I have always had summers off, but it has always been way too much time off for me. I don't like "summer vacation"/days off day after day after day. I get bored, empty, lonely. Even though I have my kids, I miss seeing colleagues, peers, etc on a regular basis. I'm now thinking I should have signed up for summer classes. I feel just blank. And yet I wouldn't dare want to change it back. The higher dose of Lexapro literally makes me numb to sex.

How do you manage having a sex life and keep your stability intact when you require antidepressant medication? I see my p'doc again in a couple of weeks, and we'll see if this emptiness persists. I do have enough medication that I can easily add back the medication to its original dosage if I need to. I just don't want to have to.

You know, I used to not care at all about sex, but since I have healed so much over the years, I now want what is rightfully mine (God-given) the ability to have satisfactory sexual experiences. To think I could come so far as I have dealing with the trauma, and it now comes to an issue of pure medication is a travesty and feels grossly unfair. To top it all off, I am 41, and I feel like my biological clock is ticking as at some point in the not so far off future, I will begin experiencing hormonal changes that could further screw it all up. Argh! It's so frustrating.

Copyright© 2011 by Lothlorien– All Rights Reserved

History of Abuse and Sexual Dysfunction

*Part of a paper for my Sexuality class. Topic: Factors Affecting Sexual Functioning

Statistics show that over a quarter of the US population reports a history of abuse at some point in their lifetime.  The abuse could be emotional, physical, or sexual. Intimate partner abuse and sexual abuse rates are higher in women, and physical abuse is higher in men. Medically speaking, abuse has been associated with gastroenterologic and genitourinary symptoms and pain. Psychologically speaking, abuse is associated with depression, posttraumatic stress disorder, and substance abuse.

Some survivors of sexual abuse have reported lacking desire for sex while others have reported being hypersexual. Previous studies on the issue have found women who were sexually abused had increased difficulty with arousal as well as other areas of sexual functioning. The affects of associated depression in these same women have shown mixed results. This study attempts to control  for the affects of depression in order to isolate the affects of abuse as much as possible (Link, 2008).

Carol Link (2008) conducted a survey from April 2002 to June 2005 of 3,205 women in the Boston area to determine the relationship between abuse and sexual dysfunction in women. Data was analyzed from the Boston Area Community Health Survey that is a community-based epidemiological study of sexual symptoms and risk factors among a racially and ethnically diverse random sample of women. Each woman was also given a self-administered questionnaire developed by Leserman et al. to determine if the individual had an abuse history, and if so, what type of abuse was experienced. The group was also assessed with the Female Sexual Function Index (FSFI), which measures sexual functioning among six dimensions: desire, arousal, lubrication, orgasm, pain, and satisfaction.

After completing the sexual abuse history questionnaire, 17% of the sample showed positive signs for a history of childhood emotional abuse, and 26% showed a history of childhood sexual abuse. Of all the women 34% scored significant for sexual dysfunction on the FSFI. When the scores were analyzed together, several conclusions were made. Sexual activity did not appear to be statistically different in women who had been abused when compared to those who had not. Of the women who had been abused, 48.9% stated that they had sexual activity in the last four weeks, and 52.9% of the non-abused women reported sexual experience in the same time period. There appears to be little difference in sexual activity abused and non-abused women. However, there are differences in the quality of those sexual experiences. Emotional and sexual abuse were positively associated with female sexual dysfunction. In fact, the more types/incidents of abuse a woman had, the higher the score for sexual dysfunction was, showing a positive correlation between abuse and sexual dysfunction. Though the total percent of subjects that scored significantly for sexual dysfunction was 34%, when the data of those 34% were divided up between women with a history of abuse and women without, 28.2% of them had no abuse history, and 44.9% had two or more types of abuse in their history.  This was statistically significant with a p-value of 0.006.  The study found that abuse nearly doubles the probability of sexual dysfunction. The study also found that in this particular sample the two dimensions assessed that appeared to be the most problematic for these women were pain and satisfaction (Link, 2008).

Link suggests that professionals be aware of the affects of abuse on sexual functioning. She recommends a multi-modal approach to treatment which incorporates medical intervention where needed as well as psychosocial intervention, and counseling.

References

Link, C. (2008). An examination of the association of abuse (physical, sexual, or emotional) and female sexual dysfunction: results from the Boston Area Community Health Survey. Fertility and Sterility, 90(4), 957-964.

Copyright© 2011 by Lothlorien– All Rights Reserved

Antidepressant Medication and Sexual Functioning

*Part of a paper for my Sexuality class. Topic: Factors Affecting Sexual Functioning

According to Osis and Bishop (2010), depression affects 19 million Americans every year, and 16.2% will experience a major depressive episode in a year.  Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitors (SSRI’s) such as Prozac, Zoloft, or Lexapro have long been the first line of defense in treating depression (Osis and Bishop, 2010; Safarinejad, 2010).  These drugs have been shown to have effectiveness rates anywhere between 50% and 70% according to randomized controlled studies of efficacy. However, the prevalence of sexual side effects from these medications ranges from 30-70% (Osis and Bishop, 2010; Safarinejad, 2010), with some researchers claiming the incidence is as high as 80% (Brill, 2004). These side effects are huge reason why approximately 90% of individuals will discontinue the use of their SSRI at some point during treatment (Safarinejad, 2010). The sexual side effects are particularly bothersome because they interfere with quality of life and are ongoing. Whereas most side effects of SSRI’s will dissipate over time (usually within the first eight weeks of treatment), the sexual side effects do not. They continue so long as the SSRI is continued (Osis and Bishop, 2010; Brill, 2004).

Sexual side effects from SSRI’s have been reported to affect people differently at different doses. Also, in some people it may only affect one area of sexual functioning, but in others it may affect more. SSRI’s have the potential to affect each stage of sexual functioning: desire, arousal, and orgasm. Osis and Bishop (2010) explain that various neurotransmitters and hormones affect each stage of the sexual response. The SSRI’s work against some of these neurotransmitters. For example, serotonin affects each stage of sexual functioning from desire to arousal to orgasm. Antidepressants that increase the amount of serotonin in the brain through inhibiting the reuptake of serotonin (SSRI’s) inhibit these processes. The neurotransmitters dopamine and norephinephrine are important too. Too much serotonin floating around and not enough dopamine or norepinephrine can wreak havoc on a person’s sexual process.

Brill (2004) and Safarinejad (2010) claim that many people have had success in combatting these side effects by either changing from SSRI’s to Wellbutrin or Wellbutrin SR which works on the neurotransmitters dopamine and norepinephrine. Wellbutrin has the lowest incidence of sexual side effects of any of the antidepressants on the market. There have also been studies that show that adding Wellbutrin to an SSRI can offset at least some of the sexual side effects of the SSRI. Some people have recommended taking a “drug holiday” prior to sexual interaction, but this does not always work out so well. For one thing, the SSRI’s have such a long half-life that it will still be in their system to some degree and hence, have some affect on sexual response. The other reason this doesn’t work so well is that many people do not have this kind of “advanced notice”. For now, many people attempt to manage on the lowest possible effective dose of SSRI to manage their depression while minimizing the side effects as much as possible, or they take other drugs to offset these side effects. On a personal note, I think it is a sad state of affairs when a person has to choose between emotional stability and sex. Hopefully there will be more advancement in this area as researchers do more to understand and manage these affects.

References

Brill, M. (2004). Antidepressants and sexual dysfunction. Sexuality, Reproduction & Menopause, 2(1), 35-40.

Osis, L. (2010). Pharmacogenetics of SSRIs and Sexual Dysfunction. Pharmaceuticals, 3(12), 3614-3628. doi:10.3390/ph3123614

Safarinejad, M. R. (2011). Reversal of SSRI-induced female sexual dysfunction by adjunctive bupropion in menstruating women: a double-blind, placebo-controlled and randomized study. Journal of Psychopharmacology, 25(3), 370-378.

Copyright© 2011 by Lothlorien– All Rights Reserved

Depression and Sexual Functioning

*Part of a paper for my Sexuality class. Topic: Factors Affecting Sexual Functioning

There are approximately 18 million Americans diagnosed each year with Major Depressive Disorder. Of those 18 million, 12-18 million of them will be prescribed and antidepressant medication to manage the disorder. Individuals with Major Depressive Disorder experience a depressed mood, loss of interest in activities that were previously satisfying, a change in their appetite/weight, reduced self-confidence, disturbed sleep patterns, feelings of guilt and worthlessness, and reduced ability to concentrate (Hartmann, 2007). Given those symptoms, it is no surprise that affective disorders and sexual functioning disorder often go hand in hand.  According to Hartmann (2007), the comorbidity of the two classes of disorders is highly prevalent and the two have a bidirectional relationship, meaning one affects the other, and vise versa.  Hartmann (2007) goes on to say that the issue of depression co-existing with sexual dysfunction is further complicated by the antidepressants prescribed for depression. They, too, have an impact on sexuality.  His article is a review of the literature surrounding the co-existence of depression and sexual dysfunction, with an attempt to weed out the influence of antidepressant medication. He says that few studies have been done on people prior to being put on antidepressant medication, so sorting out the effects of depression versus the effects of antidepressants is difficult.

Overall depression appears to affect a woman’s desire for sex. In men it appears to cause low desire as well as erectile dysfunction.  The most common effects of depression on sexual functioning are in the areas of low desire and low arousal. Some studies show low interest in sex in as much as 67% of people with severe depression, whereas only 27% of healthy controls experience low sexual desire (Hartmann, 2007). Hartmann (2007) cites two studies, which he refers to as “landmark studies” on the relationship between sexual dysfunction and depression. Both studies examined the prevalence of psychiatric symptoms among individuals with various types of sexual dysfunction. One such study was conducted by Derogatis et al. His study was conducted with 325 individuals (199 male; 126 female) who were all undergoing treatment for sexual dysfunction. He assessed each one for co-occurring psychiatric disorders and found that one-third of the men and half of the women met criteria for at least one other diagnosis in addition to a sexual disorder. Men with erectile dysfunction score tended to score high for severe depression. Women with anorgasmia, dyspareunia, and vaginismus also score quite high for depression. In another landmark study, conducted by Schreiner-Engal and Schiavi, 46 individuals (22 male; 24 female) with sexual functioning disorders were matched with 36 controls and assessed for depression and schizophrenia. The study found that those with sexual disorders had marked elevated scores for lifetime prevalence of psychiatric disorders. Though none of the individuals in this sample were currently experience depression, those with low sexual desire had double the depression rate as controls, meaning they had struggled with depression at some point in their lives. In fact, they also found that with 88% of the men and 100% of the women, depressive symptoms either coincided with the onset of the sexual disorder or preceded it (Hartmann, 2007).

Another study called the Massachusetts Male Aging Study (MMAS) depression and anger were both highly correlated with erectile dysfunction in men. According to this study, almost all men with Major Depressive Disorder had some degree of erectile dysfunction. In fact, the more severe the depression, the more complete the erectile dysfunction was. Moderate to complete erectile dysfunction was 1.82 times higher in those males with depression (Hartmann, 2007).

Hartmann (2007) also discusses medical factors that could play a role in the connection between depression and sexual dysfunction. Depression causes heart disease because it causes overactivyt of the autonomic nervous system and hypothalamic-pituitary-adrenal dysregulation. These factors alone could be a cause for some of the sexual difficulties people with depression face.

In light of the connection between depression and sexual disorders, it is recommended that people with sexual dysfunction also be screened for depression. Likewise, those individuals who are being treated for depression should be assessed for sexual dysfunction. The author states that more studies need to be done with individuals prior to antidepressant therapy in order to get a really clear picture of exactly what role depression plays in sexual dysfunction. For now, the issue is still quite complex, but there is no doubting that a connection does, in fact, exist.

Reference

Hartmann, U. (2007). Depression and sexual dysfunction. The journal of men's health & gender, 4(1), 18-25.

Copyright© 2011 by Lothlorien– All Rights Reserved

Social Work Acadamia

Courses Completed

Human Development and the Social Environment I and II

Social Policy I and II

Research Methods in Social Work

Data Analysis Design

Ethnic and Cultural Diversity

Practice and the Profession I

Seminar on Addiction

Next Quarter

Psychopathology and Deviance

Institutional & Organizational Behavior

Evaluation

Human Sexuality

_________________________________________________

Second quarter complete!!! Wow! It all goes so fast. Today was my last exam. Data Analysis....A class I thought I would hate that I turned out to love and will miss. I have a 107/A average in that class! Who would have "thunk it?" Of course we'll have to see how that exam went, but really....like I can mess that up if I have a 107 going into the exam. I really, really liked analyzing data. Now, I don't think I would enjoy carrying out all the tests, surveys, etc., but I love working on Excel and seeing how things all come out. :) Now I also thoroughly enjoy reading research. All those numbers mean so much more. Recently I read an article by Dr. Colin Ross about the relationship between dissociation and Borderline Personality Disorder. It's more involved than that, but the point was one of his stats showed support for his hypothesis with a p-value of something like 0.00000000001111. (I'm guessing; I don't remember, but it was something amazing like that.) Well, for most people that is like, "OK, whatever.", but that is AMAZING! The lower the p-value the more likely that the results obtained in the sample are also present in the general population. Generally, 0.05 is great. A p-value of 0.01 means the researcher is 99% confident that the results found in the study could be representative of the general population. Imagine what something like 0.000000001111 is!

OK, I'll shut up about the stats. Suffice to say, I enjoyed it.

Addiction class was ok. It started out as my favorite, but as it went on, I learned something about myself. I will be able to work with people with addiction issues in the mix of other clients, and I will do well. However, I am NO addictions counselor, meaning I do not see me working primarily in the field of addiction. It's not for me.

I learned a great deal this quarter in Social Policy II. I finally understand what they are talking about on TV when they discuss policies. I now understand political jargon, which is a huge step for this 41 year old woman who made a D in Political Science in undergrad. many, many eons ago. I have affectionately called myself "politically clueless" because in the past, when people talked politics, I heard the teacher from the Peanuts Gang. "Wah-wah-wah-wah." Now, I uunderstand, and lo and behold, I'm interested. Funny how that happens.

I will thoroughly enjoy my week and a half off. This week the sun is supposed to be out, the sky blue, and warmer temperatures. It has been a long, frozen tundra of a winter here in the midwest. This week my kids are still in school, so I have the next couple of days to myself. Then next week, the kids have off, and we will be doing some fun stuff, and some continued relaxation for Mommy.

Next quarter I am taking an elective on Human Sexuality. I went back and forth about whether I wanted to take that or not, but curiosity has killed the cat, and I'm taking it. Over the past several months I have increasingly become more interested in sex, more curious,etc. Mostly I have been curious. I wonder about it. What is it supposed to be like? What am I missing? And suddenly I want some of that sexual joy for myself. As I told my therapist today, I have never been able to be "curious". Sex was just dropped painfully on my doorstep, and where I had control, I avoided it like the plague! Now it's like this young part of me is coming out and wanting to know, having questions she wants answered. Really she wants someone to tell her about sex. Like a "normal" person tells their child/preteen/teen about sex, but who's going to sit down and have a "talk" with a 41 year old whose questions match that of an 11 year old? I also imagine it opening many doors to meaningful disscussion in therapy. I think I will learn and grow a lot from this class both personally and professionally. Wish me luck!

Copyright© 2011 by Lothlorien– All Rights Reserved

 

 

Intimacy, Flashback, and Switching

*Originally posted on my former blog (2008)

Night before last I tried intimacy once again. At first it was ok. We took it slow. I felt no pressure. I felt curious. I was present mentally, emotionally, and somewhat physically. Occasionally we have these moments where it works out. It seemed this would be one of those times. Then my husband moved to my right and I flashed to nothing but black and horror. I exploded internally and “left out the back door.” I turned my back as my body became that of a wee little girl who shook her head back and forth hair flinging in  her face and said, “No…….” in an equally small voice while rubbing her closed eyes with her fists too afraid to look herself. My husband got up immediately as quick as lightening, wanting no part of this with a little girl. He knows……. and thankfully he respects as well. I gently slid back into myself, safe now from the moment of internal terror, became co-present with that little one inside, snuggled in tight wrapped in the covers of my bed with our teddy bear close, and pretended to go to sleep, preferring to just go on as if none of this had ever happened. My husband came back to bed and did the same as he settled silently without a word on his side of the bed. He showed no outward signs of being upset by the ordeal. His manner was of one who has been through this before, accepts it as “just one of those days”, and knows it is not personal. It has taken him our entire 13 years of marriage to get to this point. I am still trying……still hoping this part of our life together gets better. Sometimes it is. This night it was not.

Copyright© 2010 by Lothlorien – All Rights Reserved

I Try.....

*Originally posted on my former blog (2008)

I want to talk about something, but I don’t want to mention it, because I don’t want to get traffic to my site by using this word. You know sometimes they just pick up a word you use and all of a sudden now you’re linked to that search term.  I’m guessing you may know what it is. It starts with an “s” and ends with an “x”.

Ok, so I’m married and this is most definitely an issue. When we were dating I was able to. It was a surprise to me because I hadn’t since I left an abusive relationship some 4 years prior, but I did. At first it was ok. I think I was just in shock that I could get through it and I didn’t notice anything else except, “Wow! I can do this.” It was also the first time I ever in my life (did that) when it was my choice and I could decide.

We got married and started trying to have a baby from the beginning. I got pregnant within a couple of months. I didn’t want to “do that” much while I was pregnant, and tried to get it in once a month for hubby’s sake. It was alright…..just wasn’t doing anything for me. I had the baby and continued the once a month thing more so out of a sense of obligation. It seemed to keep hubby from totally flipping out. I think he understood to some extent because we had a new baby and she was rather all consuming. I was also working full time.

Trying to have baby number two caused some problems for me. Triggers were popping up left and right at that time. I remember one night we were (you know), and when it was over I had to push him off and say, “Get off! Get off! I’m going to throw up,” and I did. My poor husband. What he has been through……..What he must’ve thought…… I cried that night because I was afraid I’d never be able to “do that” again and thus would never have another child. Funny thing, apparently we conceived that night. After that we hardly ever “did”…..you know…… I’d guess we were now down to once every 2-3 months??? Maybe????

We conceived baby number 3 spontaneously on New Year’s Eve as the ball dropped on TV.  Didn’t have much (you know) after that. I now had 2 little ones and a third on the way, and I could care less about sex. Still didn’t really like it anyway, so big deal. But it was a big deal to hubby I know. Still, he put up and shut up for the most part. He knew it was hard for me, and he knew I was exhausted most days from 2 kids and working and being pregnant.

After our fourth and final child was conceived, we didn’t (you know) ever again for (you’ll never believe this) 3 years. Yes…..I just couldn’t. PTSD, flashbacks, panic attacks, you name it…all kicking my butt to the max.

After the three years it was slow going progress, as I would attempt on occasion, but the only way I could manage to get through it without feeling like throwing up from triggers was to switch. I had entirely too many triggers.

There are always those triggers that you can change. Things you can do or not do that can help some. We had some like that. I had a hard time with hubby at first because I shared some things with him that I would really like him to do or not do because they were triggering to me, and he would hear me, agree, etc. Then a couple weeks later, it was as if we never had that conversation. He got really frustrated with me. He would react to my requests with a huffy breath, so tired of this he was. I do understand. He knew I had been abused when he married me, and he knew (doing this) was hard for me, but I don’t think he thought we’d still be struggling with it some 10-15 years later.

Some triggers were rather hard to avoid. A couple major ones were just impossible, and still cause me grief at times, though we have made a lot of progress recently. One is I cannot stand the look in his face/eyes when he is (how should I say this??) feeling good??? That’s a HUGE, HUGE, HUGE trigger. I still can’t do that. I get around that by closing my eyes, blocking it out, or looking elsewhere. He knows this is triggering for me. We discussed how it is not personal over and over and over again, and he actually helps out by not “trying” to look at me. I have also been afraid of “that part”, especially when it’s (you know). I can’t stand to see it or feel it anywhere near me. Well, that’s unavoidable for obvious reasons.  My previous therapist would explain to me that he was that way because of the love he had for me. I was afraid of it. To me, it had a mind of its own, and it controlled men. It made them powerless and took over. The men in my life never took responsibility. Instead they blamed “that part” of themselves. “They couldn’t help it,” they would say. “They just had to.” They made it seem like I was just so “irresistible”. I felt cursed. Men always seemed to have to have me. Cursed!! But it wasn’t me. It was them. They didn’t always have to have me. They had to have it! And they were just selfish, selfish, selfish. When I would feel my husband, I had a mixture of emotions. Fear because “that thing” was going to get me. Anger because he wanted me, and how dare he. Anger because I hated “that thing” when it was like that. I wanted to smash it with a hammer! There’s a lot of fear and anger there.

Well, I’m going to move on to where I am today. I am trying……actively trying. Some things are better. Since I have been in therapy and my husband also goes to a therapist, he has gotten super about sticking to the things that help me. He actively tries to not do the things I ask him not to do, and he does what is helpful. When I do get triggered now, I can tell him. Sometimes I can redirect and go on. Other times I can’t, and I have to stop to which he now is very understanding about. I think he gets it now and would never want me to “do that” under triggered circumstances. He doesn’t want to hurt me physically or emotionally.

I never could connect “doing that” with love. For me it was purely physical, benefitted me none, and was all about the guy getting his physical needs met. Lately, I have been able to see the love in it, and how it is truly meant to be. That is helping.

I still struggle with the triggers I can’t avoid, but as my relationship with my husband has improved by us talking and sharing of ourselves more, it is slowly becoming less and less of an issue.

So, now I am in a place where I’m actually curious about (you know). I’m sort of interested. And I see it could maybe be quite pleasurable (Novel idea). I now want to be able to “feel like that too.” I am having problems with that because of the dissociation. I may mentally stay present, but invariably I go physically numb, and lose it emotionally. It’s like I just go dead. My body and my soul shut down. It’s so automatic and out of my control, I don’t know how I’m going to get past this one.

So now, of course I’m realizing I totally spilled my guts on this post. So now the dilemma is to post or not to post. And If I do, I’m not sure if I’ll be able to keep it up. It’s scary talking about this stuff, but obviously necessary. I might post it, take it off, post it, take it off. I think it could be helpful to other people if I post it. That’s my driving force. I suppose I will try it but making no promises as to how long it will stay up.

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